All right picked up these little pearls since being over here and you know what? If I had this list before heading to this wonderfully beautiful place it would have better prepared me for what was to come. Now first let me explain that this is not the same Iraq I know from 05-06 this is a completely different animal. All the big money has left Iraq! No I'm serious it has. The Army has hired 4 different auditing companies that are reviewing all records since the war begun to see how all the money was spent (SCARY) So any way its back to to the old Army where we feed ourselves, we eat a lot of MRE's, MKT's, and the occasionally contracted meal, oh yeah and alot of Iraqi food (side note ate out last night at a local kabob store run by some IA(Iraqi Army) Soldiers you know a hundred flies, standing water, guys picking there nose while they touch the raw meat that is sitting outside with us, yes! with flies all over it, and it was delicious!!!) Anyway so here is the list. (those that have deployed before will get a kick out of this I think.
HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage
2. replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. 2hrs after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong bunk."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Move the shower head to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor, stop cleaning the toilet. Leave two or three sheets of toilet paper on a used roll or for best effect, remove the toilet paper altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor that lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. Put lubricating oil in your humidifier instead of water and set in on "high" for that tactical generator smell.
6. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you. (I thought this was pretty good cause the Iraqi's burn trash every night and it fills the air with its pungent aroma)
9. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
10. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and go to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden house.
11. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange cloths with them.
12. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and rear doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
13. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Also don't forget your gun and flashlight.
14. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas "just in case" every time.
15. Go to the worst crime infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
16. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
17. When your 5 year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
18. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they wont get cold/hot.
19. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
2. replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. 2hrs after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong bunk."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Move the shower head to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor, stop cleaning the toilet. Leave two or three sheets of toilet paper on a used roll or for best effect, remove the toilet paper altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor that lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. Put lubricating oil in your humidifier instead of water and set in on "high" for that tactical generator smell.
6. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you. (I thought this was pretty good cause the Iraqi's burn trash every night and it fills the air with its pungent aroma)
9. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
10. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and go to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden house.
11. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange cloths with them.
12. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and rear doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
13. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Also don't forget your gun and flashlight.
14. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas "just in case" every time.
15. Go to the worst crime infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
16. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
17. When your 5 year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
18. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they wont get cold/hot.
19. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
Anyway I got a kick out of these. Enjoy!!
2 comments:
Boy, that paints a pretty good picture, but I hope it's not really as bad as it sounds! I imagine it's pretty close though. Bless you, Matt, for being there. The sacrifice is even more real now!
I'll have to pass this on to Mark.
Thanks for the updates Matt! I appreciate them!
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