Oh, and by the way...

For all you non-Facebookers, this is the link to a website where all the pictures that were taken of our family reuniting after Matt's deployment are stored. Non of them are edited yet, and there are a few *super fantastic* ones that are probably not going to make it into the final 24 we choose, but hey. You can't win them all.

http://hgreen-photography.smugmug.com/OpLoveSession/Hargrave/19208607_hLDBxg

The password is -- haley2011

Enjoy :)

Why Hello

(This is really long, with no pictures. Just so there's no unrealistic expectations out there.)

We have been sick

sick
sick
sick

Let's just say that between the three of us, our toilets have had a rough two weeks or so. But I think I was the last to get it, thank goodness, so we are almost out of the woods. Today, in fact, I was feeling so much better that I jumped out of bed, made breakfast, took out the garbage, got Bennett ready for the day, took a shower and did my hair and makeup (this is a big deal, since when I am sick I typically self destruct), went to the park, and ate lunch at Taco Bell.

And now I am laying back in bed, sick sick sick all over again and kicking myself for thinking I could handle cheesy fiesta potatoes this early in the recovery game.

But as long as I am laying here (again), I think I will attempt an update on this blog. I will do this in order of person, as that would be easiest.

MATT(IE)
Matt has been home for almost a full month now, and we are absolutely loving what everybody is calling the "honeymoon phase" of this redeployment. We, however, are not so sure that there is a need to label our happiness as a "phase" since we both plan on staying this way forever. :)

The second day Matt got home he came to me with a small booklet that had a two page list, front and back, written in it. I asked him what he was working on, and he told me they were just a few projects he wanted to start working on. Two pages is just a few to some people. Anyway, Matt has been happily cutting/sanding/varnishing/wiring/caulking/painting/building etc. since that time and it is good to hear the ol' circular saw whirring away in the garage again. Like the high-pitched whine of a long lost friend. Even as I write this, he is working on hard wood floors and a spiral staircase up to Bennett's tree house (I'm not joking. That really is what he is doing.)

Besides that, Matt also got a new truck since we have been home. And yes, it is "his" truck, because I am more than happy to finally be able to call my beautiful little Ford Edge "mine." In all reality we needed two cars, since Matt can't take his motorcycle to work during most of the winter and whenever he has paperwork to bring in with him. And it is physically and mentally unsafe for me and Bennett to be stuck here without transportation. So a truck it was. It's a 2008 Dodge Ram Laramie, 2500 Diesel. When I stand behind the tailgate, I disappear. It is Matt's dream truck and I am so happy for him. Bennett is very fond of Daddy's big truck too, as is evident by his constant climbing on it like a large jungle gym, and crying whenever we are forced to drive anywhere in Mommy's puny little car. I guess we have two truck guys in this family now.

And we can't talk about Matt without talking about hunting. Oh hunting, what joy. Matt loves it, and so I try to love it too. He gets all dressed up in his camo with his buddy Erik, practices shooting his bows in the backyard at a fake deer he set up, and spends his afternoons working on deer blinds and corn feeders and tracking positions. Most of our conversations revolve around deer now too, and I think for our next date Matt is going to take me out to see the blinds he's made. And I can go fully concealed, since I now personally own my own hunting attire, complete with hooded mask and hunting boots. Because you know what they say, "The family that hunts together..." ...I don't know, you finish the rest. It really is fun to see him doing something he loves so much. I try to be supportive.

HALEY
I feel like I am running with my head off half the day. It's like, everyday I wake up with a huge list of things I want to do. And then when I am going to bed, I realize that I actually did do everything on my list...but it doesn't matter. Because even though I did do the dishes this morning, there are new dishes in the sink before I go to bed. And even though I vacuumed at 3:00 in the afternoon, by 7:00 at night it is like that never happened. And even when I feed Bennett a good lunch, that kid has the nerve to ask me to make him dinner, too! I guess that is where the saying "a woman's work is never done" comes from. Because it's not. Ever. But you know what? I LOVE IT!!!! I love, love, love that I get to stay home and be the mom and the wife. This is all I've ever wanted, and I am pretty lucky and happy.

We do have an itsy bitsy problem. When Matt was still gone I would hear sounds up in the attic and they would really freak me out. I mean, I'm laying in bed at two in the morning, listening to all these sounds over my head, thinking for sure it was some guy up there waiting to kill us all. But as the months went on and we survived every night, I came to accept the man in our attic and slept peacefully. I actually started feeling comforted at his sounds.

But then a few mornings ago I heard a distinct sound that didn't sound like our man in the attic at all. It sounded like icky little mice feet. So we called the exterminator and he came out to confirm our fears. And take care of the problem. Now I lay in bed at night and listen to the oddly lonely quiet and miss my friendly man in the attic. Because we killed him, and it's a little sad. But better than mice.

Besides all the day-to-day things and mice tracking, I have been busy with church stuff too. I am in charge of the Primary Program in our ward, and it is right around the corner. So most nap times I am working on that, making phone calls and writing scripts and planning seating and stuff. Then I am also the Committee Chair of the Cub Scout organization, apparently for the last year? I just found out myself. Needless to say, our program was in a sorry state. Thanks to a good group of leaders though (and a lot, a lot of work and meetings and handouts and a fair amount of yelling at grown adults on my part) we are creating something that slightly resembles a troop. I am very proud. And very, very tired. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Matt is the Boy Scout Master, so between the two of us there is a lot of (what I call) "nerd power" going on. I really can't wait until Bennett turns eight...ugh.

Also, I am wearing skinny jeans now and loving them. I always come around to fashion at some point. Usually after it is considered the fashion.

BENNETT
Bennett. Bennett. Bennett...Bennett is two. Need I say more? Actually, what it really is, is that I have been sick the last few days, so Bennett has learned that mom can threaten all she wants from the couch, but when it comes time to actually follow through with physical movement, he's got the upper hand.

This became evident yesterday as he announced he was going on a walk. I feel bad for the poor kid, being trapped in our sick house for so long, so I said OK. (Matt was out hunting at this time, by the way. I was overly confidant and told him we would be fine. Stupid supportive wife.) So before I could drag myself off the floor, Bennett opened the front door and booked it down the street with one of Matt's green army socks pulled all the way up to his thigh. But only on one leg. So he's just running like his little life depended on it (which at this point it did, and he knew it), and I am trying to chase him while still holding down everything I had eaten within the last 24 hours. Luckily, one of my friends lives about six houses down the street from us, and happened to be out in her front yard when she saw Bennett streaking past her like a mad man, and me hobbling after him about four houses back. So she chased him down for me and brought him back. Stinker. And the thing is, that when I finally caught up to him, I didn't even have enough energy to really discipline him. I just sat on the grass and tried to breath and sort of lectured in between gasps. He is a smart little stinker.

So after we stayed there awhile, Bennett decided it was time to go home...and booked it back down the street to our house. Are you kidding me?! So I chase him down again, with multiple neighbors standing in their front yards watching the scene, and catch him right as he is making it to our front yard, where I gave him a good, swift, pop on the bum. As he was crying, I told him he couldn't run away like that because it is dangerous. He could get hurt. Or lost. Or hit by a car...at which point he stopped me in the middle of my rant and said very firmly, "No Mommy! I won't get hit by a car! I am on the sidewalk!!"

What do you say to that? It was weird. He was arguing with me. Questioning me and my judgments and my motives for the first time in his life. Or at least voicing it for the first time. And this has made me feel very...scared. Proud yes, because he is starting to think for himself. But mostly scared. Because he is starting to think for himself. Our word as parents is only going to be absolute law for so long now. The countdown has begun. shudder.

Other than that, Bennett has developed other strong likes and dislikes. For example, music. He is very picky about his music selection, and we have had to have more than one talk about tolerance of other people's likes. "Other people" referring mostly to me. "Tonight Tonight" by Hot Rae Chelle tops Bennett's charts at the moment, with "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO a close second. At least he does like good music. :) He has also started calling all his friends "friend-buddies" which I love, and he is still an unwavering fan of Mickey Mouse Club House. I personally loathe Mickey Mouse Club House now after seeing every episode ever created at least twenty times. But I am trying to be tolerant of other people's likes.

Besides being *ahem*...active...Bennett is pure joy to be around. He makes us so seriously proud. Some of the stuff he does that just makes us happy he's ours:

Bennett takes such good care of me. The other day I was washing the table when I stubbed my toe yet again on one of the benches. I swear, those things have it out for me. I was in the middle of doing one of my dramatically emotional owie dances when Bennett ran over to me with great concern, asking me if I was OK. I told him yes, but just to make sure, he grabbed a handful of flowers we had sitting out and gave them to me, saying "Now you feel better, Mommy. I love you, Mommy." Oh man, melt your heart. He also makes sure I run, run so fast across the street so I don't get hit by the big cars, and he always gives me lots and of Bennett hugs and kisses whenever he feels I need them...which is often. And he has suddenly started routinely telling me I'm pretty. Love that kid. :)

He has started talking more clearly (apparently. He sounds the same to me, but everybody else keeps making comments so it must be true.) His favorite words to use are, "maybe" and "how 'bout" and he starts almost all of his sentences this way.
"Maybe those birdies are flying to that tree. Maybe they are sleepy. Maybe Bennett is sleepy. Maybe I like those birdies." (a conversation we just had a few hours ago)
"Mommy, how 'bout I don't like that?"
"How 'bout I want it?" (both always said in a very sweet tone, but implying that he absolutely hates whatever I am trying to make him do. At least he's polite about it.)

And speaking of politeness, Bennett is so grateful for EVERYTHING. Literally.
"Thank you, Miss Sarah, for letting me play with Camden." (our friend-buddies)
"Thank you, McDonalds, for my chicken nuggets and the blue slide."
"Thank you, ice cream scoop, for my green ice cream in my ice cream cone."
He's also pretty good at saying "please," even when he's about to lose all semblance of control. Whenever he starts whining for something, all we have to do is start him off with "Mommy...?" and he fills in the rest with his high pitched, trying-so-hard-not-to-cry voice "Mommy! Can I please have my bear, please?" or "Mommy! I please don't like that please." (not the actual correct use of the word, but we appreciate it more than screaming.) And with a face like that, and a cute little attitude to match, who could say no? Not us.

So wow. It's over. Hopefully I can just move on now to the regular week-to-week activities and not feel so guilty for neglecting this for so long.

See you there.

Hunting Season!

So because of deployments, school and other conflicting schedules I have not gone hunting in a few years. However this year I made it back in time for HUNTING SEASON!!! So excited, you dont even know! Let me tell you that Haley has been awesome about the whole thing. This is all pretty new to her and she is taking it like a champ, the daily corn feeds, the constant bow practice, not to mention the life like deer targets in the back yard! Anyway just had to share my excitement with everybody!

Just hanging out outside my back fence! Our house backs up to some guys ranch.


This is my little spike that has shown up everyday for the past month.


This guy I am really excited about, peek-a-boo I see you!!

Alive

Just so you know, we are still alive and very happy to be such.
In fact, life has been so fun, we have neglected to update this blog very often
or at all
So please continue your patience while I work up the courage to cram about a month of events
into a single post.

It will cover such fascinating details as:
- buying a new master bed
- buying a new washer
- buying a new truck
- buying me an unholy amount of new clothing
- having heart palpitations about the amount of money leaving our account
- visiting family in San Antonio
- having family visit us in Copperas Cove
- hosting a "welcome home" bbq in our backyard for Matt and all our soldier-y friends
- Bennett learning the phrase, "Hey! Wait for me!" and "Hey! Wait a minute!" (my favorites)
- Matt and I becoming very church-oriented as we are thrown into primary, cub scouts, the primary program, young mens, and boy scouts.
-going through huge amounts of attic, under-the-bed, and closet junk.
- escaping on a wonderful, much-needed Bennett-less vacation to Austin, where we lived it up
- Me actually being in a picture because we finally have somebody else in the family who can work a camera.
- Matt getting "deer fever" (did you know hunting season is about three months long? THREE MONTHS LONG...ugh...)


So look forward, my friends.
one day...one day...

348 Days

September 18th, 2010 -- August 31st, 2011.
348 days.

This deployment was one of the best things that has ever happened to us--that has ever happened to me. I feel so blessed for the opportunities I have had for the last year. To get to pay off so much debt (just our house and car left!) and build up a very sizable savings account. To be forced to "grow up" and deal with real life. To get to be selfish--my time, my schedule, my friends, my choices. For Matt to get to be promoted quickly and become proficient in his job in a very focused field. To get to know so many wonderful people. To get to know Matt better, because when all you can do is talk on a computer, you learn a lot about the other person. To get to know myself better, and focus on the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. To get to know me. I like me. :)

Yes, there were hard times. Like the entire month of May. That was my wall. That was my turning point, where I decided that if there was nobody there but me to get myself and Bennett back on track, then I had better get up and do it. It was hard. It was good.

Matt has told me some things about what he did. About what he saw. And it was hard, but it was good.

So when I found myself standing on the homecoming field with our little boy on August 31st, at 10:00 in the morning, it was a little surreal. To be watching as a string of buses unloaded their passengers. To be crying as they walked toward us. To be grateful, so grateful, as we bowed our heads in prayer for those who were returning home, and for those who weren't. To be pushing through a crowd of people, looking, looking, looking. And then there he was. Just like he had never left. And when we finally embraced for the first time in 348 days, all we could say was, "Hi."

50 weeks
1 wedding
14 major breakdowns
2 extended trips to Rexburg
9 major holidays
3 major birthdays
over $40,000 of debt paid off (!!!)
3 rooms redecorated
1 anniversary
1 funeral
28 weekends spent doing yards
140 walks with friends at night
1 promotion
24 paydays (and 24 bill days)
348 nights alone
countless moments of both sadness and joy

For the last year I have left an old pair of Matt's shoes sitting in the entry hall. I don't really know why. Maybe because I needed a daily reminder that he really was going to come home one day to fill them again. Yesterday I watched as Matt put those old shoes on and walked around the house "tinkering." Bennett was at his side, holding his hand and talking away about the bumble bees. Best buddies.

And I am happy.
So happy.
348 days.

We did it :)

Ready

- Last night we made a sign that says, "Welcome Home Daddy!"

- Yesterday we went grocery shopping for all of Matt's requested foods. Apparently there is a severe lack of vegetables and ice cream in Iraq.

- Saturday I did our yards for the LAST TIME alone!! And, might I add, they are looking goooooood.

- Tomorrow I am shipping Bennett and Jace off to a neighbor's for a few hours so I can get down and dirty with my house. I will also be deep cleaning my car.

- Wednesday night I ordered a new dress off the Internet to wear on the homecoming field. Pray it gets here in time...

- Tuesday, mine and Bennett's hair were both recreated by my fabulous neighbor friend who works at a very posh salon and I am just lucky enough to know her personally. I will also be getting a manicure and pedicure tomorrow. I feel so grown up.

- A professional photographer has been arranged to meet us at the field when we are reunited as a family. As a military perk, this is costing us nothing.

- A weekend getaway trip and babysitter has been acquired for some much needed alone time.

- My page-long list of projects to be done before Mattie gets home has been completed for several weeks (except the organizing of our printed photos, which I highly doubt will ever be done).

We are ready.
Now all we need is Matt...and a healthy dose of patience...

Mommy and Bennett

tonight I tried to slip quietly into Bennett's room
while he was asleep
to put away a few items that were left out from our day of playing
but he woke up and saw me
and he smiled
because Bennett always wakes up with a smile
and in his tired little voice he asked,
"Mommy cuddle cuddle with Bennett?"

how could I say no?

so we laid on the bed together
Mommy and Bennett
and I stroked his arm
and listened to his heavy, even breathing
and thought of the last year
of how often I had wished time away
that it would go faster
that the end would come sooner
and suddenly I realized
we had made it
the end finally is here
and as excited as I am for all of the happy things that will happen
for our Mattie coming home
and our family (hopefully) growing larger
I will miss this year

I will miss being Bennett's whole world
I will miss being his everything
nobody but us two
dependent upon each other
Mommy and Bennett
for one year I had the privilege
of playing two roles
and it was such a blessing
because as much as our little boy has needed me
to care for him
to play with him
to teach him
I have needed him
to love me
to remind me that I have divine purpose
to give me reason to wake up in the morning
(and several reasons to go to bed at night) :)
to make me better

so much better

and we two
so inseparably connected
will grow and change in the near future
to become older
to become greater
to become more
because life is such a happy thing
always moving forward to the next adventure

but for now
we will lay together
Mommy and Bennett
and the time I have so selfishly wished away
I suddenly want to freeze